Bizarre Search Engine Terms

One of my favourite blogging hobbies is to look at the search terms people use to get to my site.

Since I’ve only been blogging since November (which, granted, is forever in terms of the internet), no one finds my site by searching for “hilarious mom” or “sarcastic parent.” But they find it by searching for bizarre enough stuff, like “angry little people,” “two leg dogs,” “having a baby is like funny,” and “σκορπιος ζωδιο” (?), as well as the terms described below.

Weird Search Term 1: “annoying Christmas letters”

More people have found my blog this way than by searching for my actual name. Also interesting is the fact that many of the searches for “annoying Christmas letters” came in January, which leads me to the conclusion that a number of people are incensed at their 2009 holiday mail.

Weird Search Term 2: “choking on a weeble”

I sincerely like to think that this search was conducted by a parent or journalist conducting research on the safety of toys. My fear is that someone whose toddler was blue in the face took the time to google this, seeking instructions on doing the Heimlich Maneuver. That weeble is unlikely to wobble out of your child’s trachea on its own while you read my latest rant on the year’s worst toys. Call 9-1-1, people.

If your child is doing this, don't google "choking on a weeble"

Weird Search Term 3: “bangkok pregnant sex”

It scares me that this trio of words sends someone to my blog. It scares me even more that someone searched for this. I mean we all know of Bangkok’s infamy, but what sort of Thai vacation is someone out there planning?

Weird Search Term 4: “congealed twins”

If you’ve ever been to a church pot-luck dinner (or to my grandma’s house), you’ve had Jell-o with things (pineapple, shredded carrots, fruit cocktail) suspended in it. Well, my image of congealed twins is not unlike this. Tempting as it may be to temporarily silence my five-year-olds during their moments of intense loopiness (like during The Tantrum), I have not yet succumbed to throwing my twins in the bath with Costco portions of pectin.

Congealed Twins: add pectin and stir

Drawing by Sam Burke

Weird Search Term 5: Leanne Shirtliffe [colleague’s name] marriage

Someone googled my name plus the name of my colleague with the word “marriage” beside it. Now I am married, just not to my colleague. We’re good friends, my kids adore him, and he’s also a friend of my actual husband. Proof positive that inquiring minds, though often wrong, are highly inventive. I’m starting to think that blogging just might be more entertaining than reading a tabloid.

Let the fun continue.

Now it’s your turn: if you’re a blogger, what bizarre search engine terms have brought visitors to your blog?