Monthly Archives: March 2010

Manipulation 101: The Illusion of Choice as a Disciplinary Technique

Posted on March 31, 2010 | 40 Comments

I am a big fan of using choice as a way to coerce kids into doing what I want them to do.

I learned this early in my teaching career. I used to spout platitudes like, “You always have a choice, it just may not be a good choice,” but I got tired of hearing teens make gagging noises. So I halted my sermonizing and started putting the philosophy into practice. When one of those pubescent creatures was doing something highly annoying, I’d pause and offer a choice, such as “You can either stop making farting noises and stay in this classroom, or you can make your farting noises all the way down to the principal’s office.”

This either-or strategy has been useful for parenting five-year-olds. Think of it as bribery that’s been souped up.

A Vivian Example: “You can either eat your carrots and have dessert, or you can leave them on your plate to fester and decay while you starve for days to come.”

A William Example: “You can either stop sucking on your toes, or you can keep sucking on them and never watch The Backyardigans again, ever.”

In case I’ve confused you, I’ll illustrate it mathematically:

CHOICE + HYPERBOLE = MANIPULATION

I must use this technique often, because yesterday Vivian cornered me with her own version of Manipulation 101.

I was in the kitchen doing something useful, like boiling water for the fourth time with the hope that I’d actually remember to make a cup of tea while the water was still hot.

“Mom,” Vivian said, “would you like to sit on the couch and read me a book, or would you like to sit on the floor and play Fish?”

I took a moment to process the options.

Option One

or

Option Two

And you know what?

It worked.

A five-year-old connived me, her lackluster mother, to follow her agenda.

She is a master apprentice.

Soon she’ll be teaching Manipulation 101, implementing a number of new techniques she’s piloting during Spring Break-down.

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Feel free to share any of your tips for Manipulation 101.

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Posted in Lackluster Parenting, Slice of (My Psycho) Life

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Guilt, Friends, and a Dirty Minivan

Posted on March 29, 2010 | 14 Comments

I hate giving people a ride in my minivan. It’s not that I dislike conversation or mind the inconvenience. It’s not even because I despise driving a loser cruiser. I’ve long since given up on image, be it vehicular or fashion.

The reason I hate giving others a ride is because I’m embarrassed: Our van is laden with enough crumbs to batter an entire school of mercury-filled fish.

But last Friday, I had to transport two colleagues, both male, both parents with kids in their twenties, both owners of spotless vehicles. Friend A drives a Honda Accord, but had carpooled that morning. Friend B drives a Smart Car, which limits one’s friends.

So, I had to drive. We left the school, three teachers in suits going out to get noodles-in-a-box before conducting parent-teacher interviews. We walked quickly, conscious of time and a north wind.

As we approached the van, we were greeted by hieroglyphics. My twins, deprived of crafts, believe a dirty vehicle is a perfect canvas for their artistic abilities.

I threw open the sliding door, grabbed a car seat with two hands, and heaved it into the back. Then I frantically picked food off the seat. Most of this was to no avail. Crumbs, wrappers, dirt, and gravel covered every surface, making it a mobile compost heap. I believe some apple seeds had started to sprout.

My Mobile Compost Heap

An Entire Ecosystem Lives Under the Car Seat

I took the first of three defenses available to the guilty: blame. I blamed my kids. I blamed my husband (it was, after all, his job to clean the interior of vehicles). Silently, though, I blamed myself: what kind of parent lets children eat in a vehicle? What kind of person doesn’t clean her vehicle?

Then came the second defense of the guilty: displacement.

“Hey,” I joked with my colleagues, “did you remember your hazmat suit?”

Finally, the third defense of the guilty: admission.

“Sorry about the mess,” I said.

And then, like good friends do, they proceeded to tell me about the state of their own vehicles twenty years ago. I’m not sure if their stories were true or fabricated.

But it doesn’t even matter.

Those tales got us to our lunch destination and got me to a good place, beyond guilt.

I must visit that place more often.

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Posted in Slice of (My Psycho) Life

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5 Stupid Comments Made to Parents of Twins

Posted on March 26, 2010 | 41 Comments

And then there were 5...

Yesterday morning, on the endless five minute drive to my twins’ school, the kids took delight in using the word “stupid.” As soon as I told them it’s not a nice word, they started singing it, elongating the vowels and punctuating those with staccato bursts of laughter. Then last night, when I titled this blog, I began to see that the proverbial apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. To quote Forrest Gump, stupid is as stupid does.

Here, then, are this week’s Top 5 Stupid Comments Often Made to Parents of Twins:


Stupid Comment 1: “Are they natural?”

The public seems to have a burning desire to know if twins were conceived by fertility treatments or naturally. Like it’s important to know which race you’ve run to achieve that medal around your neck (which admittedly often feels like a noose). The best answer I’ve heard to this question is, “Well, they breathe air and have opposable thumbs, so I guess that makes them natural.”

Stupid Comment 2: “Are they identical?”

Nucking Futs Mama had an entertaining rant on this topic earlier this week. When you have boy/girl twins, the “identical” question makes all of us wish biology was a high school requirement. Most of our answers resemble the following: “Well, my son has a penis and my daughter has a vagina, so I’m positive they’re not identical.” Yup, we know, they look amazingly alike: almost identical, right? So do the Backyardigans when you’ve only seen them once.

Stupid Comment 3: “I bet you’re happy you had one of each.”

I’m just happy they’re both alive. In fact, I’m happy that we’ve all managed to survive so far, relatively intact.

Stupid Comment 4: “She’s such a girl” or “He’s such a boy.”

It may be the feminist in me, but nothing causes me to become irate more than this. Nothing like limiting people by categorizing my children into stereotypes. I am quite certain I could swap the characteristics of my twins and people would still tell my daughter, “She’s such a girl.”

Stupid Comment 5: How did you breastfeed them?

My no-sleep answer: with my breasts.

My some-sleep answer: like footballs.

As If Most of Us Need an Invitation

Feel free to share comments, stupid or not, below.

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Posted in Top 5 Fridays (or Wednesdays)

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