Humour Column: Trying Not To Glue Gun Kids Together

When I was on my Spring Break, I volunteered two mornings in both Vivian and William’s Grade 2 classroom. I had to do a craft. I happen to despise crafts. I can mess them up easily.

Those two mornings in a primary classroom were the subject of my latest humor column in The Calgary Herald.

Here’s the opening to Mom Has a Glue Gun and No Idea How To Use It:

There are two types of mothers in this world: those who are good at crafts . . . and me.

It’s not exactly a secret that I have the finger dexterity of Fozzie the Bear, minus the aid of strings that move my arms.

So when Vivian came home from school and told me what I’d be doing in William’s Grade 2 classroom when I volunteered, both she and I knew it was trouble.

“Mom?” she said. “I talked to William’s teacher.”

William heard his name, looked up from his latest Lego creation and proceeded to ignore his sister.

“When you volunteer,” Viv said, “you’re going to be doing crafts with the class.”

“What?” I said.

“Crafts.” Vivian paused, looking even more worried than me. She knew my phobia of the cut-and-paste realm. She knew I’d rather hold a boa constrictor than cut my way to cuteness. “You’re still going to come, right? Mom? Are you?”

To read the rest of it, please click on Mom Has a Glue Gun and No Idea How To Use It.

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What parenting or household task do you dislike? 

Comments

  1. patriciasands says

    *whispering* … me too! When I taught elementary school, I was SO thankful to have a number of craft-loving moms who came to the classroom to help. I was that teacher who took the kids to the gym to watch a play and left you in the classroom with the glue gun.

  2. copycatmom says

    You rock! Knowing my history with crafts, I would have potentially backed out. I have been told I am good with them and at times I agree, but I really hate crafts. Even worse- crafts with kids! Oy- thats a phobia! So glad that there are some other not so crafty mommies out there. BTW- love the pic of you with the boa!

  3. thoughtsappear says

    OMG you’re holding a snake! Ewwww!

    I remember using glue guns years ago. It makes me sad that something easier and less hot hasn’t been developed yet.

    Nice job! And nice article!

  4. Julie Glover says

    This cracks me up! You are not alone. I used to have friends who talked about how they would sit with their preschoolers and do crafts for fun. I thought, For fun? Crafts? Are we talking about the same thing! I was chided for not carving pumpkins with my kids at Halloween, for not dying eggs at Easter, and for not making fancy boxes for their cards at Valentine’s (although one year, I had a white box, we wrote his name, and I explained that it was uber-cool like the Beatles’ White album). My kids have come to expect little of me on that front, and I am happy to oblige their expectations. Great column!

  5. EllieAnn says

    that’s so funny!
    I didn’t know you were a gun person. Did you go through the gun safety course? Did you get a permit to carry your glue gun in your purse?

  6. Julie Frayn says

    Love the snake! My sister has three and I would also prefer one of those around my neck and down my cleavage (Bowser’s favorite resting place) than hold a glue gun and construction paper. Picasso meets Pollack – awesome.

  7. gojulesgo says

    Oh my. Look at that last picture. Even Britney Spears didn’t have the Things in her “I’m a Slave 4 U” video. Score one for Leanne!

    Can’t wait to read the rest of this article!

  8. Elena Aitken says

    LOVE! You’re a superstar for gluing bunnies in BOTH classes.
    Plus I love the picture. Um…how did that happen?

  9. khaula mazhar says

    I love the snake. I am ok with the crafts stuff, I do that good. I hate being a parent when all five of them are fighting with each other and husband pretends he is deaf, dumb and blind. I am the one who has to pull them apart.

  10. Running from Hell with El says

    Gah! I declare my anti-craftsy nature with pride. But dang it, show me a mom who can splash in the mud or hurl a football over the house as well as I can! Just whatever you do, please . . . do NOT make me attend any PTA meetings (screaming hysterically and running in the other direction with a trail of papers flying behind me).

  11. serre says

    My hands are incapable of whichever craft you ask about, even the basics (like paint-by-numbers or cut-along-the-line). I tried with cross-stich for a few months, how difficult could that be? I even used a thimble. After a few tries i began to realize that I should have needed 3-4 more for protecting other fingers, which shouldn’t even have been involved in the stitching process. Stitching hurts.

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