My eight-year-old son has been cheating on his home reading.
How is that possible? you might ask.
Well, he’s been yelling “blah-blah-blah” instead of recording the online book into the computer like he’s supposed to.
How is it possible that he’s been doing this for six weeks and you never noticed? you might ask.
Well, he’s been progressing levels. He’s now reading at level L. When he started Grade 3 in September, he was at level J. So I assumed he was reading. Plus, I was kind of finishing off my manuscript and checking Twitter.
Right. But how is it possible you never noticed he was reading—and I quote—”blah, blah blah”?
Well, I tend to send him into the library with his dad’s laptop to do his home reading. You see, he first listens to this computerized-voice reading the book aloud to him. That voice makes me feel like smashing my head into our picture window. So, I send him away to do it and keep the window—and my head—intact.
Wait a minute. He cheated on his home reading in your home “library”?
I know. It’s ironic. My blog is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Aren’t you an English teacher and don’t you kind-of teach reading?
Yes. Irony. I believe that’s been established.
How did you finally discover your son was cheating?
The wireless connection on his dad’s laptop wasn’t working, so he asked me to fix it. I told him I wanted to hear him read aloud a bit. Then I realized that his dad’s computer didn’t have a built-in microphone. Ergo, reading aloud into the non-existent microphone was impossible. Ergo, he confessed.
Then what happened? you might ask.
He begged that I wouldn’t tell his dad or his teacher. I didn’t. I take these matters seriously.
So he asked you not to tell, and you blogged about it?
Yes. I’m hoping his teacher and my husband won’t read this post.
From where does he get this propensity to cheat?
Of course, he gets most of his negative traits from his father. But I may have cheated in Grade 9 Home Ec.
You cheated in Home Ec? Not Chem, not Physics, but Home Economics?
Yes. It was the knitting unit.
Wait. You cheated at knitting? How?
I knit the first slipper. It was horrible, and my entire family witnessed my lack-of-dexterity outbursts, which may have involved threatening to stab someone with a size 7 knitting needle.
What happened to the second slipper?
My mom knit it. In one night.
Your mom? She colluded with you?
Yes. She offered. We got an “A.” The teacher said I showed great improvement.
Are you still blaming your son’s cheating on his home reading on his dad? you might ask.
Umm . . . should I call my lawyer?
Have you ever cheated? helped someone cheat? witnessed it?