Welcome to the 6th installment of the Worst Toys of 2012.
Today, I am bringing you the Child-in-Tears Award. This prestigious honor goes to the toy that is most likely to solicit some good sobs, not unlike the time I gifted a bouncy cobra in a wicker basket to my seven-year-old nephew. After he leaped back in fear, he said, “THIS is my present?” Tears—ones that no twenty dollar bill could subdue—followed.
Without further delay, then, I bring you the Child-in-Tears Award for 2012: Crayola’s Crayon Maker.
If you’re wondering what could be wrong with something as benign as a crayon maker, I say plenty.
Here are five reasons why Crayola’s Crayon Maker made the Worst Toys of 2012 list.
- Level of difficulty matters. Let’s take a perfectly simple childhood craft, like colouring, and make it impossible for a child to do independently. How does Crayola expect me to faff on my laptop if I’m busy melting wax?
- Parts matter. Originally, the Crayola Crayon Maker didn’t come with a 60-watt mini lightbulb. Nothing like teaching Junior to delay gratification…on his birthday.
- Size matters. And small ain’t good. I’m talking crayons, people. The crayons look full-size on the box, but once you make them, they’re just little nubs. These jokes write themselves.
- Color matters. The crayons are supposed to become beautiful two-toned swirls. But what happens? They turn to a lowest-common-denominator mix of brown. Yes, thanks to the Crayola Crayon Maker, your child will have to color that entire picture of you “crap brown.”
- Ratings matter. On one popular toy review site, the Crayola Crayon Maker received an average of two stars after over 100 reviews. People were irate because the crayon maker took forever, it was impossible to clean, and their kids were in tears.
Clearly, nothing says I love you like a semi-functioning crayon maker or a bouncy cobra in a wicker basket.
What do you remember crying about as a child? Tell me in the comments below, or I’ll send you a bouncy cobra in a wicker basket.
In other news, you can win a subscription to US weekly if you guess what jobs I (and four other bloggers) may have held in our lives. Check it out at the Kelley’s Break Room, a hilarious blog.