Ask the DH: An Opportunity to Embarrass Ironic Mom

Posted on May 10, 2012 | 31 Comments

My humor column today in The Calgary Herald begins like this:

If you want to know how to ruin Mother’s Day, ask my husband. He was born on Mother’s Day. This year, his birthday once again falls on Sunday, and in the reality game of celebrations, birthdays trump pushing a kid (or two) out your vagina. (To continue reading, go to Why celebrating Mother’s Day Makes Me Want To Drink).

In honor of my husband’s birthday which is ruining Mother’s Day because he’s at work and I have the kids all day, I am giving you the opportunity to ask him questions. In the great tradition of stealing other people’s ideas, I am riding on the coattails of Tamara Outloud, who invited her readers to submit questions that would be answered by her husband.

This idea scares me. If you don’t know my dear husband (DH), consider yourself warned. If you want proof of his twisted sense of humor, check out 5 Blog Posts My Husband Wanted To Write in 2010, when I was battling pneumonia:

If you want to know some (more) of his interests, here are a few:

  • sports, sports and sports (mostly NBA, NFL, MLB, and rugby)
  • stand-up comedy
  • serial killer books, depressing Russian Lit, and anything Gulag related
  • The Walking Dead, The Sopranos, The Wire, Dexter

So in the comments below,
ask any questions (serious or quirky) about me, about Canada, about whatever keeps you up at night.
My DH will answer them in a guest post next week. You’ll get some freaky interesting answers. I promise.

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Posted in Mischief

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A Letter To My 20-Year-Old Self: a guest post

Posted on May 8, 2012 | Leave a comment

I have the privilege of guest posting today over at New Life Cal U, the blog of my good friend, Kim Wilson. You might remember Kim posting here last year, What To Do with a Dead Chicken.

Kim is launching a fabulous series, called Letters To My 20-Year-Old Self. I am honoured to be a part of this. While I was tempted to write things like, “Don’t get a perm” or “Buy shares in Apple”, my heart had other intentions. Crafting this piece took me back, sometimes to darker places.

My post is called Sometimes It’s Better To Be Single. It’s only 150 words. I’d be honoured if you read it.

I’ll see you at Kim’s in the comments.

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Posted in Guest Post, Un-Ironic Moments

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10 Bizarre Updates from the Past 10 Days

Posted on May 7, 2012 | 31 Comments

If you want a slice of my (psycho) life, here are 10 updates I posted on Twitter or my Facebook page over the past 10 days.

Update 1: William vs. Hole

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Update 2: God vs. The Fire Alarm

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Update 3: Vivian vs. iPhone

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Update 4: Me vs. Housework

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Update 5: Me vs. Twins at Breakfast

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Update 6: Me vs. Everyone in my House

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Update 7: Me vs. Twins re: Birthday

Update 8: Me vs. Life

UPDATE 9: CANADA VS. THE WORLD

Update 10: Me vs. SeLF, Humbled BY KIDS


What’s an update from your (psycho) life?

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Posted in Slice of (My Psycho) Life

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Roses in Bahrain: a revealing guest post

Posted on May 3, 2012 | Leave a comment

For some reason, when I write guest posts for other bloggers, I frequently reveal a different side of me, often a less funny one.

Today, I’m over at Reed My Writing, run by humor writer and dad, J.R. Reed, a funny man with whom I’ve shared many tweets over the past month.

On Thursdays, J.R. runs a metaphorical Happy Hour, where he invites a blogger to be a guest “bartender” and tell a story they might share in a social situation. Evidently I was busy pouring myself a few because I’ve gone a bit personal…

Please click over to read my post, Roses in Bahrain. There are some details I’ve never shared before, either in the history in the blogosphere or in real life.

I’ll see you in the comments at Reed My Writing! Let me know what you’re drinking and I’ll pour you one.

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Posted in Guest Post, On the Move

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Mother’s Day in the 1970s and 1980s

Posted on May 1, 2012 | 49 Comments

Every mother dreams about drinking with her daughter*... (Happy Mother's Day, Mom!)

If you live in North American, you’re likely aware it’s Mother’s Day in 12 days, unless you’re dead. For the part of my adult life that I’ve been alive, I’ve celebrated Mother’s Day by calling my mom to apologize for getting her nothing. This is not unlike how I celebrate her birthday by not sending her dead people’s cards.

Last night, I finally filed my income tax return (Canadians file on April 30th. Correction: Stupid Canadians file on April 30th; smart Canadians file before that date). After I used both a Sharpie and a compass to scratch that chore off my to-do list, I started thinking about random stuff, like nose hair, whether or not The Onion would’ve been funny if they called it The Rutabaga, and what crafts I did for Mother’s Day back in the 70s and 80s.

I tweeted this.

Some people weighed in on their Mother’s Day crafts from yesteryear.

More recently, Vivian and William drew portraits of me and wrote poems in Kindergarten. I’ve also received popsicle stick picture frames, cards, and a bunch of other items that had a longterm layaway plan in the landfill.

Now it’s your turn:
Did you honour your mom with homemade gifts as a kid?
Do you still get your mom a present?
Did you get me a present yet?**

* I think someone should write a song inspired by my face in this shot. We’ll call it, “Shine Forehead Shine.”

**This last question is addressed to my husband, who only ever comments on one blog…that of funny man, Knox McCoy. Yup, not on his wife’s blog, but Knox’s. I admit that Knox is hilarious. And my husband uses a pseudonym to comment there (Benchclearing). Yes, I’m outing you, Mr. DH. Lululemon please.

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Posted in Slice of (My Psycho) Life

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Thing 1 and Thing 2: Special Op

Posted on April 27, 2012 | Leave a comment

While the original bad-hair-day Thing 1 and Thing 2 are traipsing over Europe (Switzerland, England, and soon The Netherlands), a special op pair recently landed in Pittsburgh to visit my buddy, Clay Morgan.

They had some adventures with Clay, let me tell you, including teaching college, going on a road trip through Kentucky and on to Nashville, and seeing Heinz Field. Note to my Canadian readers: Heinz Field is where the Steelers play. Who knew that Sid the Kid wasn’t the only franchise in Pittsburgh?

Click on the following link (or the picture below) to take you to The Things Excellent Adventure (including their stop in Guntown Mountain, Kentucky).

Kentucky! Apparently there's a Pizza Hut underneath the sign for Guntown Mtn.

Also, there was this fabulous Killer Tribes conference in Nashville a couple of weeks ago which so many of my favourite bloggers attended. I had to miss it (sniff), so Clay and our very good friend, Kim Wilson, took the Things to represent Canada. Okay, to appease me. Kim snapped so many fab pictures. They’re here: Killer Tribes Weekend Slideshow.

Thing 1 & Thing 2 with some bloggers you likely know (or some bloggers you should know). Kim is in the front wearing wearing a blue shirt the same colour as the Things' hair.

Rumor has it that Kim is taking the Special Op pair of Thing 1 and Thing 2 to the Summer Olympics in London. Once again, I’m envious of 30 or so grams of Seussian fluff.

If you wish to read about their travels thus far, here are some past tales of Thing 1 and Thing 2′s Excellent Adventure.

If you want to get on the list to be a host, sign up in the comments here. (The wait is likely more than a year!). If you have a Special Op for them, let me know.

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Posted in Thing 1 & Thing 2's Excellent Adventure

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Top 10 Signs That Mom Needs a Vacation: guest post

Posted on April 26, 2012 | 53 Comments

I am more delighted than a teacher on a snow day to have one of my besties, Elena Aitken, guest posting here today. Together with Trish Loye and I, Elena completes the Wordbitches trio. We’re also part of the same writing group.

Elena is a kick-a$$ writer who’s very successful on the Indie scene (People, she’s making a living at it, and her first book was published not even a year ago). She’s a voracious writer with a big fan base, and she has a big heart. Follow Elena on Twitter, Facebook, or her blog. And if you wish, check out Elena Aitken’s books here. Her latest is Sugar Crash, a novella I finished in a single sitting.

Here she is…

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Elena's books

My novel, Drawing Free, deals with a tough subject, but one that I feel needs to be addressed because sometimes moms have bad days when they just want to run away from it all. Whether you admit it or not…if you’re a mom, I’m willing to bet you’ve had one of those days.

Since Drawing Free looks at the tougher side of when a mom has had enough, I wanted to take a lighter look. I ran a contest to come up with the Top 10 Signs That Mom Needs a Vacation, and this is what members of the Goodreads‘ group, Ladies & Literature, came up with.

Their answers made me snort tea, with only a little bit hitting my laptop. When I was done wiping up the mess, I compiled the final list.

Top 10 Signs That Mom Needs a Vacation 

  1. When you realize the spit up in your hair holds better than hairspray.
  2. When you yell four names before getting the right one and one of them is your husband’s.
  3. When you view the restroom as your ‘happy place’ because of the solitude.
  4. When you open your purse and find that it contains 15 receipts for kids clothing and shoes, a half-eaten lollipop that has been rewrapped, tutti-fruiti rainbow flavored chapstick, a nursing pad, three Hotwheels, a pair of size 2T panties and absolutely no cash.
  5. When the only songs you know are sung by cartoon characters or men who wear primary colours with Australian accents.
  6. When your husband comes home from work, sees the house is in relatively good order and says, “Oh, today was good?”
  7. When you’re more excited about your daughter’s weekend sleep-over at a friend’s house than your daughter.
  8. When your children bring you breakfast in bed and all you can think about is if there is enough dishwashing soap to clean the mess they left in the kitchen.
  9. When you start to think SpongeBob is actually funny.
  10. When you have no idea whose snot is on your shirt. And don’t care.

Which answer is your favourite?
What other signs are there that mom needs a vacation?

(Leave a comment and enter for a chance to win a copy of Elena’s most recent eBook, Sugar Crash).

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Posted in Guest Posts

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