Tag Archives: twins

Phrases That Make Every Mother Duck for Cover, Pause, or Drink

Posted on February 13, 2012 | 55 Comments

Last week, I overheard a few phrases from my twins that made me duck for cover,  pause, or drink.

One of these phrases was uttered by William. In a stage whisper, he asked his twin sister, “What’s something I can slingshot?” I closed my laptop and ducked.

Last Wednesday, I blogged about another phrase I overheard. In reference to me, Vivian bragged to William, “Well that got rid of her.” I paused my Words with Friends game momentarily.

Two days later, I wrote about a question I overheard while making lunches. William asked his dad, “Can we eat Jello like puppy dogs again?” I looked for Baileys in the pantry.

I’m almost afraid of what this week will bring, so I’m asking you to help prepare me.

What are some phrases that we parents should be afraid of overhearing from our children? What phrases indicate that we should raise the white flag and head to the whiter sanatorium?

 The comments are yours…

 

→ 55 Comments

Tagged , , , , , , ,

How Not To Eat Dessert

Posted on February 10, 2012 | 73 Comments

I’m in the middle of my after-dinner ritual, which is neither sipping Baileys nor having my feet massaged. I’m making school lunches.

Vivian and William, meanwhile, are waiting for dessert to be served. It’s Jello that their father has cooked – or whatever it is you do to primary-colored gelatin. I don’t like Jello. If I want jiggly goodness, I’ll stare at my thighs.

While I scour the pantry for food items that my twins will eat, I overhear this conversation coming from the table.

“Dad,” William asks, “can we eat Jello like puppy dogs again?”

I pause to contemplate curling up in the fetal position.

“That was funny once,” my husband says. “Till Mommy saw us.”

Vivian says, “We’ll just do it when she isn’t looking.”

I look over, and two kids and one husband are bent over their bowls of glop lapping at them like they’re recently adopted mutts. Which in some way they are.

I jam plastic containers into lunch kits with renewed vigor and scour the pantry again. This time for Baileys.

*

Are there any desserts that you despise? Also on my list are tiramisu and cheesecake. I know: You now wonder if we can be friends.

→ 73 Comments

Posted in Slice of (My Psycho) Life

Tagged , , , , , ,

Headline from My House: Mom Locks Self in Bathroom

Posted on February 8, 2012 | 41 Comments

Pardon the third person. Blame Elmo. Regarding Vivian and William's desired name changes, blame them.

So I’m sitting on the floor of the bathroom playing Words with Friends. My spidey senses are tingling, not because I just figured out how to play my Q without a U, but because my twins are up to something.

I sense danger. Then I hear it.

It’s the unmistakeable sound of flesh on flesh, skulls on floorboards. It’s wrestling.

I do what any parent trying to maintain her sanity (and dignity) on the bathroom floor does.

I open the door and yell. ”Stop wrestling!”

As I sit there debating whether or not I should leave my foxhole and crawl to the front lines, I hear Vivian yell in reply, “We’re not wrestling!”

I opt not to engage in the “yes-you-are / no-we’re-not” battle; instead, I shut the door and re-lock it.

Then I hear it, faintly: the response, the one not intended for enemy ears.

Vivian tells William, “Well that got rid of her.”

Indeed.

Now if I could get rid of my three i’s.

*

What are some headlines from your life?

→ 41 Comments

Posted in Headlines from My House, Slice of (My Psycho) Life

Tagged , , , , , , , ,