Tomorrow is National That Sucks Day, a holiday created in honour of the day U.S. taxes are due, the day the Titanic sank, the anniversary of Lincoln’s assassination, and the day the first McDonald’s opened.
But, ultimately, I believe National That Sucks Day is a day designed for parents.
Here is an overview of a few things that suck about the first five years of raising children.
Age 1
They can walk. At first, you wish for it. You’ve held their tiny fisted hands in yours, as they tested out life on two feet. You shouted encouragement, “Come to Mommy!” But once they’re successful, there’s no going back.
When my twins learned to walk, we still lived in Thailand. The flooring of our apartment was concrete covered by parquet. The number of bruises on my kids’ heads made them look like they’d stepped out of a UFC ring.
Age 3
They can talk. In sentences. My son’s hand-me-down shirt says it all.
A shirt that's a conversation starter with strangers
This incessant talking bothers my husband. He has a condition called Focal-Ground Disorder. Now this is not something legitimate (I’ve googled it); it’s a syndrome he and a friend in Thailand made up. According to them, Focal-Ground Disorder is when a person is unable to distinguish a background noise from the foreground. So, someone tapping a pencil fifteen feet away would make them go bonkers. Well, add twins who learn to talk at the same time and who constantly have a conversation partner, and my husband goes nuts. I, by the way, call it PITA syndrome, short for Pain In The Ass.
Age 5
They are becoming clever. Like every new stage, this may at first seem like a good thing. They can tell knock knock jokes that have a punch line. The “That Sucks” part is that they tell them excessively. Then they go all freestyle and invent their own. At this stage, if you can manage a laugh, it is at them, rather than with them.
At this age, kids also entertain each other more frequently. Here is the conversation between our twins the other night at the dinner table:
William: I’m going to say no to everything you ask me.
Vivian: Do you like mom?
William: No.
Vivian: Do you like school?
William: No.
Vivian: Do you want dessert?
William: Yes.
Vivian: I win.
Clever indeed.
Unfortunately, though, kids at this age don’t really get sarcasm, which means I haven’t yet tapped into the chapter entitled “How To Use Sarcasm To Outwit Your Child” in my mythical how-not-to-parent book. And not being able to use sarcasm really sucks.
Can’t wait till my kids become teens and write their own encyclopedia of things that suck about their mom.
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Feel free to add your parenting experiences that suck in the comments section. And, of course, Happy National That Sucks Day.
Leanne Shirtliffe is the mother of seven-year-old twins, Thing 1 and Thing 2. She lived in Asia for eight years, which turned out to be a build-your-own-family adventure. Leanne writes for Nickelodeon and pens a humour column for The Calgary Herald. She is represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency in California. 
